Breaking News: Secret Syrian Rebel US Arms Application Form Leaked!
A secret contact at the US Department of State just emailed me this! For a pdf version of this amazing document click here.
Syrian Rebel Group Application Form for US Arms
As of 17 September 2014, all Syrian insurgents wishing to receive US weapons shipments must complete the following application form.
What kind of rebels are you (circle only one): Good Bad Not sure
Do you promise not to give these arms to Al Qaeda, ISIS, or Hamas? Yes No
And not to sell them to anonymous buyers on the black market, despite the fact that doing so you could make millions, retire, buy a yacht, have a harem, move into a Dubai penthouse, and live in luxury for the rest of your life? Yes No
And ‘promise’ not to use them against the Assad regime, at least for now. But when you do use them against Assad, you’ll tell Russia that we didn’t know anything about it? Yes No
And you’re not pulling our leg? Yes No
You promise to help us, even though everybody in the Middle East hates us? Yes No
And don’t think we’re complete idiots for doing this? Yes No
You’ll give us back the arms when you’re done? Yes No
You’ll be nice to Israel, no matter how fast they gobble up the occupied territories? Yes No
Um, those other arms — you know, the ones we gave you before and that ended up in the hands of ISIS. That was just an accident, right? A little administrative error on your part, and you promise not to let it happen again? Yes No
Are you a CIA plant working for the US? Yes No Rather not say.
Congratulations! Your arms request is approved!
USDS form 2014_0232 (rev. 09/2014